I love the new year…I do.
It’s the freshness of it all. The flurry of organization with the post-Christmas “new” that needs to be settled into place. And the careful (and not so careful) hucking of the old into the trash, the give-away box, and the scrap pile.
The Christmas tree is out. The pine needles are, well realistically, stuck into every nook and cranny of the house for the next six months. And the new toys all have cozy places on shelves and in closets when they’re not strewn about…which is for most of the day around here.
But all in all, life in our main space feels open and full of possibility again. It’s funny how Christmas decorations can feel so incredibly rich and warm, and come new year it all begins to feel like heavy clutter. Like our hearts are ready to see the mantels again. For trees to live outdoors again in their rightful spaces.
I think the new year transition, more than any other throughout the year, suits my organizational-orderly tendencies the best…while simultaneously toning them down. As in, it’s not the spring cleaning rush to scour everything clean as much as the gentle trying on of new ways while sipping tea, looking at new books, and snuggling by the fire.
And this year is no exception.
I never sit down and think directly about resolutions. Matter of fact, it usually doesn’t even occur to me as a topic until suddenly the new year is upon us and everything feels new. Like the physical space of time is literally begging for change from me.
And as it magically happens, things working away in my subconscious, percolating and brewing while the busyness of the day unfolds, some *thing* usually emerges within that first week of the new year. Some thing that’s apparently ready to see the light of day at just the right time.
And this year, though I’ve been thinking about the word patience…patience…patience for what seems like years, patience coupled with futile anger stands tall at the moment. A subject I feel like digging into at last.
I know. Futile anger? What is she talking about? Right?
Darn blogs. And now that’s one of those big drawbacks…or maybe not. For me this space, Rosie Dreams, is a place to remind myself of the positive in my own life. What’s going right at times. What’s changing. But not necessarily a place for me to vent or expose. But this new year my own anger, or at least my expression of it–yelling–has come to me and is staring me in the face.
So here it is. Me blogging about anger because I don’t like it. I don’t like it in myself. I don’t like how it rears its head when I sometimes least expect it…or other times when I fall into it almost knowing I was about to. And truthfully, I don’t like it in my memories. My childhood. And I especially don’t like that I’m creating it for my own children. And that only the people I love the most in this life receive the brunt of this entirely useless pain.
I’m talking about the worthless, cheap anger flare-ups. Not the angry at life, or love, or someone. It’s the angry that needs more practicing-aware patience. It’s taking note of my triggers before they happen. It’s working at changing what sometimes feels like permanent flaws in myself.
So, here’s my deal. And it’s how my brain seems to work these days. At home with the three kids all day. Homeschool, cooking, cleaning. Again. At least a few times a week it surfaces. This anger. Yelling. And it’s like my brain collapses in on itself. With silly but repetitive triggers. Like when all three kids swarm around with three requests simultaneously as I toss the onions on high heat. “Mom, I’m hungry.” “Mama, my neeccck still hurts.” “Mama, poopoo. Mama, poopoo.” My brain simply shuts down. It really does. And it goes right into reaction mode. And it’s not always pretty. And I might add, not having neighbors, like no one within a mile of our home, has certainly not helped.
So, time to change. To reel myself and this ball of ofttimes uncontrollable yelling into something manageable, tender, and understood. Yes, to look it in the eye and say, “I get you. I hear you. Now, let’s approach this differently.”
And as timing would have it, as this doozy was percolating I stumbled upon the Orange Rhino. Huh? you ask? Click the link. And it’s perfect for me at this moment. Printing her tracking sheet as I push publish here. Nothing like some support, tools and stories along the way.
So, anyone else have a new year’s resolution or adjustment they see in their future? Please, please share.